| ON-LINE CPD PRESENTS:
This week:
A Guide to Criminal Procedure for the Newly Qualified
Chapter 1 ~ The Restricted Practising Certificate
It’s here. Your application has been carefully considered by
a bunch of Edinburgh Academy FPs, who have no idea who you are (fortunately),
and you’ve been deemed fit and proper to be admitted as a solicitor.
You’ve drunk the sherry, dozed through the President’s
speech and watched the re-runs of Kavanagh QC - now it’s time
for action. The restricted practising certificate gives you right
of audience in the Sheriff and District Courts. It also grants tenancy
of a smelly, old gown, previously owned by a long departed member
of the Firm who fought in the World War I and by the looks of it did
most of his trench digging while wearing the garment in question.
Your parents may promise to buy you a gown of your own but once your
dad finds out the actual price of a new gown he’ll suggest you
patch up the bullet holes in the old one and give it a bit of an airing.
Chapter 2 ~ The First Court Appearance
By now you will have realised that those round indentations on the
covers of all your files are caused by senior colleagues pushing them
away with barge poles. Somehow a life spent noting title and revising
commercial leases no longer seems such an unappealing career choice.
Panic ye not. Any reasonable senior partner will ensure that for your
first appearance in court you will be given something straightforward.
Chapter 3 ~ Preparation
Okay, so your boss is a complete tosser. You’re going in at
the deep end, which is fine but only if you happen to be a trout.
At this stage panicking is permitted and probably advisable. Practice
breaking out in a cold sweat—it doesn’t help but court
air conditioning never works properly, being controlled from somewhere
off the coast of Mauritius during summer and in winter by a wandering
tribe of Inuits. The telephone number of the Samaritans is in the
Yellow Pages.
Chapter 4 ~ A Word of Comfort
The first Court appearance is a time for worry, concern and anxiety
but try to keep things in perspective. Stay cool and remember that
if you make a mess of things it won’t be you who ends up forking
out for a fine, painting some old biddy’s garden fence or sharing
a chamber pot with a psycho from Easterhouse who has more needle holes
than the Bayeux tapestry.
Chapter 5 ~ The Sheriff Court
No need to spring for the Law Society identification card. If you
really looked like your photograph nobody would let you in anywhere.
Anyway, the court security personnel will let you through on the nod
on the basis that a criminal intent on sabotage of the criminal justice
system wouldn’t be cunning enough to wear a suit - well not
one that actually fits. When arriving at an unfamiliar court, seeking
out the agents’ room is a good start. If you can find the agents
room at Glasgow Sheriff Court, you should have little problem locating
the source of the Nile. If the other agents are sitting around popping
Prozac then you know you’ve gone to Kilmarnock by mistake. Should
you be struck over the back of the head and upon regaining consciousness
discover that your legal aid certificate has been transferred then,
next time you have a case calling in Paisley, instruct a local agent.
Continued
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