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Criminal Procedure (cont'd)
Chapter 6 ~ The Courtroom
By now you are wishing you hadn’t sloped off to the pub the
afternoon that your Advocacy and Pleading Diploma class went to see
a real live court. The ones who did attend all ended up as corporate
lawyers earning real money and only refer to court at cocktail parties
when pretending to be real lawyers. Let’s run through what to
expect:
Chapter 7 ~The Sheriff Clerk
The Sheriff Clerk is a friendly, charming person, helpful to a fault
and almost infallible in the command of criminal procedure. Goodness
knows why the Sheriff Clerk surrounds him or herself with deputes;
a bunch of surly individuals who hold firmly to the view that the
courts would run more smoothly were it not for lawyers. The sort of
people who if they saw a solicitor ablaze would break out the marshmallows.
Never get on the wrong side of a clerk. They run the show and can
ruin your whole day by ‘losing’ papers. If they ask if
you think they are doing a good job the best answer is, “superb,
but the PF thinks you’re hopeless.”
Chapter 8 ~The Prosecution
The Procurator Fiscal Service employs a fine body of men most of whom
are women. In days gone by the defence agent was likely to face across
the table some disillusioned, middle-aged guy in a suit that looked
like it had been exhumed. He drove a temperamental Austin Allegro
and thought it the height of hedonism to crack open the After Eight
mints at half past seven. Nowadays you’re more likely to meet
a newly qualified female with permanent PMT who is only in the Fiscal
Service because she has been rejected by the Taliban on the grounds
of her extreme right wing fundamentalist views.
Chapter 9 ~The Sheriff
It can help to do some homework on the presiding Sheriff, his or her
likes and dislikes. In a nutshell, however, Sheriffs like going home
early and dislike you and your client.
Chapter 10 ~The Accused
Finally, to the most important person - the accused. He comes with
a number of preconceived ideas on the criminal justice system. He
thinks that all prosecutions collapse after six months when, in fact,
by that stage the PF is only getting around to looking at the police
report. Rather endearingly, he may actually think that the Sheriff
will believe a word he has to say (Dornion's Law of Witness Dynamics
states that a person’s reliability and credibility increase
exponentially the nearer he gets to a Crown witness list). One good
thing, he’ll not pester you like a conveyancing or matrimonial
client. In fact the longest discussion you’ll have is in the
cells after the trial when he’ll insist he didn’t do it
and ask why you didn’t call the many witnesses - he didn't tell
you about - who saw him not doing it. He may be scruffy, probably
smelly, often drunk and always late for court – but he’s
yours. Your job is to keep him out of jail. His job is to keep you
in legal aid certificates. All he asks is that justice be done, but
not to him. All you ask is that he signs a green form and stops breathing
in your direction or at least sucks a polo.
Extracted with kind permission of the Stair Carpet Encyclopaedia.
©2005
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